April 5

What a joke.
Humans really just want to hurt you.
Is this shit fair? All I get to do is fantasizing about what could have been while other people reach fulfillment
go fuck yourself

Trying to be less negative.
hm
I dont like doing this for reasons I've mentioned be for.
Every word I write here and everything I post I'm creating a persona,
and then I feel i have to conform to that persona by not deviating from it.
Which is why I felt like posting here now that I'm depressed, and not a few days ago when I was feeling better.
A few days ago my mindset didnt fit into the persona

It could be that I was alawys a person who is too sensitive to what other people think
But nobody cares anyway so I shouldnt worry about what to say. But then I dont want to say anything because nobody cares

Well, even if nobody cares working on this site could still be fun. I should just try doing what I want.

March 13
Popular idea is that anyone can get out of this state of not-doing and not-being and become fulfilled.
In truth, it opens a door to the real horror of life with no more fantasy to escape with.

March 13
Theres no fun in anything 
I cant, i never could
The happiest moments of my life were always just dreaming about doing xynz and not actually doing it.
actually doing things that i see make other peoples lifes meaningful and fun and fulfilled
 - is either impossible for me or not fun for me.

I think very few people truly understand this

Another thing, I think I dont have an identity. I'm not a real person, in a way.
A lot of people arent. They just gaze at the stars of life who are so full of personality
I tried so hard to escape this emptiness

February 16
ooohihaaaaauuuuu
Most relationships are just 2 self absorbed people pretending to care about eachother.
You know what, life is so much suffering, but socializing especially.
"life is suffering", people dont know what that means. 
Because most types of suffering are so constant and routine that people do not recognize them as suffering,
until they spend enough time without it(traditionally achieved thru meditation)
But I dont meditate. I've just been alone for a long time

Most people always have something going on. Even lazy people, they want to get food, they want to watch the sports match or talk to someone etc. 
Most "goals" are banal and unnoteworthy
Boredom is when you have something going on, boredom is chasing a goal, because it is a type of craving. I never get bored.

February 10
It's weird. I've been thinking that im "near the end" for quite some time now, obviously I'm still here,
but that doesnt change that my future is very uncertain.
According to my doctor I'm healthy(apparantly) even though I feel like shit constantly. And my parents threats to kick me out were probably just empty
And as long as the status quo is maintained I won't end it myself
I could still be here in 5 years, doing the same things, having the same problems. hahaha fuck

February 7
doing okey right now exepct for the brain damage I have
I'll see if I can get more work done

February 6
I'm so..so exhausted...
There is nothing i want to do. Im so tired

I used to be able to rejuvinate myself through inner strength,
I think writing here makes me feel slightly better.

But man...im tired...
Ha
Theres noone to connect to. Im glad that I chose no relationships over relationships that make me unhappy
the more I am around people and the more I have to do for/with people the worse I feel

I've been thinking of unfairness, too.
wI'm doomed over circumstances I had no control over
im tired

People I'd want friendship with look down on me.
Well they wouldnt say that. But they do find me uninteresting

I hate you. Am I really that worthless? Yes you do think I'm worthless

It doesnt matter if millions hear me if not one of them is a person I'm trying to talk to

I guess that means i find people worthless too. Yes, I believe most people are "not good enough". I won't sugarcoat that.
I don't hate you. you're just...not that good...unaware...unfriendly
Wait a minute, I do hate you. Most of you are rude and stupid
The people I look up to would also tell me nicely how they look down on me. 


February 4
I'm going to make a seperate website(or redesign this one) where I put all my finished projects and have things more organized
so I'll keep my ramblings and tentative unfinished stuff seperate from now
That might take a while to create though, since my exhaustion isn't going away

January 26

I've said most things I have to say probably.
I need to be someone else, as in the person I "always wanted to be"
As in, making my past self proud in a way.
Of course its not my real past self. Its my current interpretation of what my ideal past self was.

Scrolling through neocities and other creative sites,
I am so infinitely sad whenever I see someone so inexperienced and talentless but so enthusiastic, 
its one of the few things that still makes me feel.
Like a child who is so proud and happy of their creations
Their dreams may shatter, they may not. But the thought that they might shatter makes me sad
For most people they do shatter. I'm sorry.

Theres nothing to say and nothing to do. I will give creation another attempt though
This is such a pathetic little site filled with boring and awkward things nobody really cares about.
Ah, no need to delete anything though

January 6
Feeling alright
Creating is a difficult process. For everything i consider decent and finish, there are 5 - 10 failed attempts at creating something
I took a break from game development, which was a difficult decision. Too many people go on infinite hiatuses with projects,
thats something I really wanted to avoid.
and deciding not to do it for a month or so felt like giving up completely. But I really need to clear my head.

I really want to get back into the mindset I had as a teenager, where a single thing could be so important to me and all that matters.
And I want all that energy from the foolishness and impulsivity. 




December 24
Merry christmas. I unfortunately have no way to celebrate right now.
I just need more time, I'll celebrate christmas a few weeks from now. Its not like there is any reason for me to abide by the time that most people celebrate it.
I'm still disappointed though, I should be happy around this time of year. And because I'm not I feel like I fucked up. Christmas was always extremely important to me
Everything is too difficult, and not worth it.
I hope i didnt get myself stuck in a negative mindset, I really do want things to get better


December 19
Eat, wait to get hungry again
clean up, wait to have a mess again
cut your nails, wait for them to grow again
ejaculate, wait to feel horny again
wake up, wait to get tired again

I'm too negative, maybe I'm missing something, or something that I have I need to get rid of

Do you care about what happens in the physical world, really?

December 7
HI THERE
Ah
I've got work to do.

Trying to fly without wings, maybe you can hope for pity or ridicule.


December 6
I thought about trying to make friends, but yes there's good reasons why I'm not doing that.

1. People are either too good for me or I'm too good for them.
You can't really have an engaging conversation with someone who is too far below your level, right.
2. Most people are clueless and don't know certain realities about life
That makes things awkward for me. A lot of people never thought about their mortality, for example, or they dont understand how people abuse eachother
3. I'm too socially incompetent
Socializing is just another set of skills I never learned. Not worth wasting my time doing it now
4. Friendships are often tied together with delusion
that is, delusions of how much people like eachother, pretending they care etc. It ends up being stupid games I dont want to play
5.hierarchies and roles are inevitable
after awhile, in any social group, you will be assigned a status and you have to act accordingly, always subtle and informal and mostly subconscious."but my friends arent like th-" shut up they are.

Why am I even considering it? I guess I still have idealized ideas of friendship, or I believe there are exceptions

December 5
My internet's been really slow today, I do depend on it too much for everything, I gotta remember to save more things on my harddrive.
And I feel like my hard drive is getting too old as well, its about time I installed a new one
Nothing new overall though, just stepping closer and closer to the edge of the cliff as usual


In the end, noone cares right? All that joy and significance you think of, whatever you experienced with you and your friends or whatever,
you're all fulfilled, and so full of emotion, for a while, for a while..
and then, one of you will be the first to say "yeah ok whatever". and it didnt really matter. it was nothing, a joke, a meaningless something,
because thats all it can be in the end.
The happiest moment fades away.
At that point, all you can do is laugh and turn away...you can't face this but I did. Thats why I can't relate to you all.

You can never reach a destined fulfillment because humans always need more, there can be no final achievement.



December 2
I vowed to try and feel happier and get more work done.
Society keeps abusing me though and I DONT HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS I DON'T.
today I did nothing much. I tried to compose and I tried to draw but it's like I'm even worse than usual
I gotta eat something.

November 21

Today I felt a little better.
I've been able to ignore things...it would be best for me to do that forever, worrying about the future won't change it.
I'm really only feeling better because I can, temporarily, not worry about things.
Well, I won't find a job, and then they won't let me stay here for very long.
Any day, thats the worst part. I don't know when

hm. Time is running out. And I can't fix what is wrong with me, I probably couldn't with a lot more time.
Or achieve whatever arbitrary achievements I decided will fulfill me. Whatever

Nomver 15 
Not doing anything of note

I'm currently listening to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tIC9t0014c
I kind of have a love hate thing for pop punk, i guess this is ska but whatever.
anthem is a good album, it makes me feel oddly nostalgic(never listened to that kind of music much when I was young though)


November 1
I decided to split the section where I wrote whatever came to mind into a blog of sorts.
Here I will try to be more organized.

But I'm not even sure why I'm doing this to be honest, I never liked writing. But I'm even worse at speaking or expressing myself through any other means,
so I guess this will do.

Today I updated the website again. I feel an immense sense of apathy so I'm really only forcing myself to do something for the sake of doing something.
I'm supposed to apply for jobs but that probably won't go anywhere

I worked on a song using the SGM soundfont celesta. I also tried to make some progress on the game I'm developing

I'm thinking about making videos where I ramble so I won't have to type. But I'm rarely alone at home anymore

Hm...maybe I'm filtering too much as I'm writing right now.
Not being honest, kind of uncomfortable.
I feel empty, I guess. There isn't anything.
Again, the sense of urgency to do something, but the apathy and not wanting to do anything.