february 2
Most people on the internet try to be funny because being "funny" is the easiest way to shield yourself from getting emotionally hurt
Not revealing your emotions and always having ambiguity to fall back on "i was just joking OBVIOUSLY" "you didnt GET what i was JOKING about" is just convenient
like a bunch of middle schoolers bursting into laughter over the smallest awkward occurence, it is because of insecurity
And imagine the potentiality that everyone else is in on a joke that youre not in on - you need to jest preemptively in order to not embarrass yourself
Everybody tries to be a clown, but few are actually funny
January 30
The main reason, I believe why i feel so AWFULLL
is because my life is udner someone elses control in a way.
Thats how things are as an adult, see:
Your boss can fire you whenever he wants so youre at his mercy, also to a lesser extend your coworkers since they could rat you out
your landlord or whoever your living with can throw you out whenever they want
Ever since I turned 18, ive been terrified that my parents throw me out, but if I ever moved out(if i could) that fear would remain,
unless I had a way to make money without my life being at someone elses mercy.
Thats almost all there is to my problems probably. When I was a teenager, I knew I was "safe". Schools cant throw you out that easily without a good reason,
and when they do youll have another school to go to. My parents kept threatening theyd send me to a mental institution but I knew that was an empty threat.
So you become afraid, and when you are afraid, people will know that, and use that. Always. it doesn't matter who they are.
People around you sense your fear and take advantage of you. So you constantly have to play a stupid game where you stand up to people -
BUT WAIT! if you stand up for yourself too much maybe you risk losing your job or your home! Its a stupid game I dont want to play
December 12
I heard that everyone needs to have some kind of fantasy to stay sane, I would think something unreal, a delusion.
For many hours, earlier, I felt so tired, and so so scared
But now I think I feel...I feel like I'm seeing things differently. A story, right?
its not real, its fiction. Just like for all of us, based on real life. Something that you *think could really be true*
Its a fantasy of sadness, of being lost, of feeling hopeless and worthless,
haHAHAHAHA
and all that... but in the end it's only about love and hope. And how it was all worth it in the end. And I "achieved" what I wanted
And how the struggles and mistakes were significant, and how I...how my life...how it wasn't worthless.
its gone again..
But thats all it was. A story...fiction
I'm exhausted
I should believe in fantasy worlds. Believing in reality is foolish.
(no date)
I can already hear the silence after the song
I always hear it
in everything you say, in everything I hear
December 3
Nearly all my happy moments were imagining what could have been
Anyway, the idea of "confidence" has been a lot on my mind lately.
I admire it in other people and cannot have it myself
Really, though, where people usually draw this sort of confidence from is either success or the delusion of success.
People say that the attempt is enough and it doesnt have to be succesfull to fuel confidence, I think thats not true usually.
I like browsing through pages of artists who receive little to no attention or recognition but appear passionate regardless.
It seems admirable and I want their confidence but, it seems they tend to be delusional, ie. they think they have more recognition than they do, or think its just around the corner.
hm, I also believed success was inevitable when I was younger.
I must go to bed now, face the nightmares, then the morning allergies making me ill. achjkh
DECEMBER 1
I didn't think it could get worse, all my desperate cries,
all those other people crying even more desperate
The mediocrity, disappointment
Not good enough, cant do anything about it
Trying complaining deluding
Nothing, nothing
Go fuck yourself
You're either talented or you try not to think about how bad of a hand your dealt
You don't think you fucking fool
I can't do anything right. Want to tell me to not complain? I wasnt always like this. I keep thinking I can do it, and I try.
You think complaining is bad because you don't like the awful truth.
You're a fuckup just like me, just like everyone else(except lucky few). You failed.
There is no value to your attempt.
The only thing I have is being aware of this shit. Which is also kind of worthless
DON'T CARE DON'T CARE DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE YOU DON'T CARE NOBODY CARES
HA ha ha. You could be lonely, just like I am. Want to talk to me? Want some company?
I don't really. I like you more when you're not real.
November 27
Nothing to say
Disappointed in not being good enough etc.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeh.
Hm. hmhmhmhmmhmmmmm...
Novermber 15
I thought about all the cool things I thought I would do in the past in the future__ in THE
IN THE PAST
I thought, that I would do cool things in the future, yes.
Now that I am the future, I figured out that I either cannot or dont want to do any of those things.
Still need to be "good enough", I tell myself
What a drag, just let me die.
October 10
Theres too much on my mind
I'm always scatterbrained, its always in disarray, well
It's coming to an end too fast
Being alone is one thing, I'm not sure if I'm fine with it.
Whats a lot worse is being surrounded by people I don't like
And having no choice but to pretend to get along with them
It's degrading, its draining. But I don't have a choice, since I need my familys financial support and shit
...Trying to remember what I wanted to tell you.
...
Looking at people I "idolize" is something that came up a lot,
I'm not entirely sure what to make of it right now, my head is too full.
I want to be free, can't, most people cant. I'm cursed with bad luck, like so many
An awful life, an awful death
Well, I don't intend to go yet. Not quite yet
October 7
I really need to reorganize this website, but do you know how difficult that is? Its hard for me to even look at something I made after I show it off in public.
Its always been confusing but I guess in the end, mistakes dont matter so much.
I want to try and stop comparing myself to others too much.
Ah, life sucks and I'm kind of at the edge. I cant go to trade school and uh...yeah...not sure what will happen. Guess ill die on the street eventually.
Here, I feel like I need to censor myself and redact things, play a character and show you a person I am not, while my intention was to be completely unfiltered.
Where is that hope I once had? I feel like I either cant accomplish things - or if I can - it won't be worth it.
I feel like I'm getting stupider and more cornfused over time
cornfused... O_o?
September 26
Lack of control, again.
My parents made me to apply for trade school, and start next month. And in my situation i cant say no to them which sucks
Life was tolerable when I didnt have school or work to take even more control away from me.
I think back to 2017, my last year of school, every day I felt so drained, not motivated to do anything, worthless, all the time,
It's worse than the depression I feel now. So much worse, all the noise and people from outside won't leave my head
this was mostly due to lack of control it would seem,
having so much freedom taken and people forcing me where to go and what to do,
is it so shameful that I don't want that? No, I can't take it. I constantly felt miserable back then
It doesn't get better over time. It gives me a permanent foggy head and leaves me unable to do anything.
It makes me blame myself for everything. It makes me feel like I'm constantly making mistakes, feeling worthless
And it all feels so wrong...
Its wrong
Seems I'm "giving up" you know what I mean. Common responses from idiots include
1.there was a way to deal with it you just didnt get it
2.you're weak
1. Probably not, and anything you say I already heard before. You're not me and you don't know enough. Just because others can deal with it doesnt mean I can
2. Do you think I care? Oh I'm gonna keep pointlessly suffering and destroying every last bit of my self because some conformists think I'm weak
September 22
Nothing new.
A vague dream of childhood I recently recalled.
About a playground, surrounded by a short line of woods on 2 sides and stone walls such as the back of a garage on 2 sides...a small playground
the steel is starting to rust and the paint is peeling off, the old discolored wood on the swings and such, maybe an old partially broken fence
Looking past the short patch of trees and bushes you can still easily make out a vast field
The place feels "hidden"
It appeared in my dreams multiple times, im not sure in what context
Not necessarily a good or a bad dream. I am not sure why I recalled it.
I try to hold on to the past because I feel like I am losing my identity
Sept 7
I kept debating about how siginificant this lack of control over my life is, from parents, teachers, bosses, and other people
I believe its the main reason i feel so awful
Obviously, if I don't sacrifice enough freedom for a job, education and my parents, I will end up homeless eventually. I won't do that, I'd have to kill myself then
hm...
"Death is freedom", a lot of people may think that freedom starts AFTER Death
And maybe thats what people mean when they say it. However I'm more interested in the freedom before
Not really breaking rules, just not having to worry for at least a little while
This is serious though. As it stands right now, this lack of control over my life is slowly devouring me
Letting go of my worries is not an impulsive, juvenile decision. Its to stay alive inside, to not become like them, to not give up.
Even though that might be cutting my time drastically short, I feel like I'm on the brink of death from worrying anyways
It's making me physically sick to such a degree that I cant eat, can barely move. I can't let other people have this much control over me
ha, almost everyone would tell me I'm wrong. Thats fine.
August 5
I'm feeling a little better, at the same time i feel more hopeless
I feel a little more confident.
Fuck society, trying to make me feel worthless, and stalling my personal development so that i actually feel worthless
I dont want to repeat myself but it really is a fucked up system of abuse
Anyway
I've been getting a little more work done, drawing backgrounds for a game im working on and trying to make more music.
One of the biggest things tht holds me back when im doing creative things is indecisiveness, im not sure what to do next or if I should undo something or not, and then i stop
I have to accept some risk of being unhappy with an aspect of a project later for the sake of making progress.
I started playing yume nikki recently, since youre on neocities you probably heard of that game. twas pretty cute, but the pacing is a little too slow
You know those touhou walfas animations? I dont know much about touho but theyre really cute. A lot of people dont like them for being very amateurish and stupid,
but if you think about it thats just another layer of cuteness.
Toothaches are back, they are getting worse and come out of nowhere. I'm still scared, but I'll make an appointment on monday to get a root canal and shit.
I just feel like something very bad is going to happen if I go, but the pain is getting harder to deal with. Root canals do have a relatively high chance of failure
Oh well, my teeth are fucked anyways. This is what happens to people who like nutella, kids
I should put a little something else on this website.
Looking at people, it seems dangerous that one could be trapped with an idea they define themselves with.
They don't want to act "out of character" you know? I think a lot of people play characters without really realizing it
If its a good character, is that so bad? I don't know
July 27th
purpose, belonging, meaning...eeeeh
I wish there was something.
At times in the past, I very temporarily felt this immense rush of energy over something, as if there was something in my life that tied everything together.
It's dangerous, isn't it? You don't want to have this immense sense of purpose for a misdirection.
For example, at times I felt like I belonged to a community of people, or I was going to be close friends with them. This was always an idealization,
most groups of people I wanted to be part of weren't actually that great, AND I would have to make compromises joining them which wouldn't be worth it.
But the energy and intensity that this misconception made me feel..
That's just one thing though. It wasn't always about socializing
Those fantasies I had when I was younger, they gave me a similar feeling.
I don't know why I lost the ability to lose myself in a story, video game, cartoon etc.
All I had to do was fantasize
Escapism isn't necessarily bad.
The more removed from reality they are, the better.
July 18
Felt really sick today, I don't know what it is or if I'll be fine
I can barely go to the grocery store anymore, the future isn't looking good
Something i realized, I had this idea that the day I die, things will be "different" somehow
I didn't realize it but thats what I thought. I thought the day I die would be different than usual
...I probably won't die now. I guess my symptoms are mostly from anxiety. I don't think I'll endure life that much longer though
Made too many mistakes, the hubris, the ignorance, the confusion, the inaction.
I'm scared, but there's nothing I can do but wait for it to be over
July 16
I would be OK with the fact that nearly everyone is an awful person who doesn't care,
after all I can ignore them,
but this isn't about a few people, its about society as a whole
I have to keep being abused by
Listen, even your friendships, they're all based on fear and pain.
Everyone wants to hurt you.
You've just come to accept it as normal.
Ah, the common response: if you think like that, there's something wrong with *you*!
Convenient, is it not. All those problems that you thought were other peoples fault are actually your own which means...you can fix them all!
Those people weren't hurting you, it was just you thinking that. Now the problem is "gone"
squashed away in your subconscious to make you another awful person
Confusion/self July 12
Not sure why I'm putting my thoughts and my art out
I still for some reason care that people don't misunderstand me, but they will misunderstand me anyways
It's not just that. I feel like its the "right thing to do", maybe its a "fantasy"
I'm not sure if people read this but some of you may remember my old website.
Well basically I wasn't sure what to use it for and I kind of wanted to start from scratch etc.
The design of the current website has some things like how I named this section "unsorted" in lower case,
this is not an attempt to sound like I don't care, or im trying to sound like i don't care, rather I'm just
indecisive and I don't know how to name, categorize, or complete etc.
I'm making that clear becaues I hate people who write like "ok im not sure what that means lol" like they're too cool
to press shift from time to time and just try so hard to act like they don't care, not my intention.
I'd talk more but I don't have a lot to say. There's not much thats been interesting to me for the past months
I'm just a confusing mess of a person. I'm weird but not in an interesting way, its just uncomfortable right?
I apologize, but I have to do this
7/10
But editing this site was at least a distraction, until I stopped caring.
I really don't like doing this too much. I want to do things without chasing whatever reward of social gratification
I could keep complaining about the same issues so many others have in the same way, but thats not interesting.
See, I really care for the audience in my incoherent personal ramblings
But no its not the audience, its myself
7/9
The mental exhaustion I'm feeling is unreal, I cant do anythign
I used to be happy when I was living a lie, now that I ate the fruit of knowledge I can't go back
Everything feels strange and unfamiliar. even childhood memories are being perverted
The world feels a lot smaller, anxiety is constant
I am what I was. The things I did, the habits I developed, what I was surrounded by. I suppose I try to reject much of what I am
I can't accept certain things
Now, I try to find value in this hopelessness. But there's nothing to it, really.
June 22
I guess I need to learn to stop giving a fuck like everyone else.
uuuuughghghhhhh
Ive been feeling a little better recently
I was gonna write a long anecdote but really it probably doesn't matter.
Its just that I keep being reminded of how carefree I was when I was 15-16. It was the only time in my life where
things felt "right", and while I do have a lot of regrets about that time, its probably the happiest I've ever been.
I had no worries, I wasn't taking shit from authority more than I really had to.
Now fear is all there is. I'm scared of my parents, they might throw me out.
If I move out and get a job, I'll be scared of my boss, my coworkers.
A life ruled by fear
And since I'm not a bitch like everyone else I can't pretend that authority isn't screwing me over.
I could write all day refuting all the retarded arguments from conformists. Thats obviously not productive though, and it stopped being fun too.
Another thing, I'm not sure if I care too much about connecting with people.
I want to be happy without other people's acknowledgement, but this site for example is proof that I'm at least somewhat interested
in
acknowledgement.
But really I don't think I feel worthless without it, I hope.
I don't want friendships or family really.
You know what I really care about, what truly is the most important to me? Myself, and the things I like
I don't believe in devoting my life to other people. I understnad a lot of people are like that, and thats fine
I prefer this indirect way of communicating with people. I see what some people put of their souls into this vast space, and some people see me
Tears
I would cry so much when I was younger, I haven't been able to cry for 8 years now.
"Why would I deserve to be sad anyways?"
I feel really sick, I feel like I'm dying.
...
earlier today i had the thought, that maybe I want to live for many more years. And maybe i did have the courage to live.
I felt excited, optimistic. Soon after that though, I felt sick. Maybe over the idea of having to live much longer
Maybe i am sick, maybe I am dying. ah well.
I cant do this. I wanted to tell you how I was reminded of what tears are like.
I think, I had the thought of...not being worthless, maybe. As if an angel told me that I'm...doing alright. that all my pain wasnt pointless. That I didnt make nothing but mistakes.
But see, I cant tell you that. I dont have a way to tell you, im not the right person to say this. I keep doing something wrong.
June 6
I really dont like blogging too much,
i want to do something else thats not lame.
I'm not feeling better though. I dont want to do anything, or see anything, or hear anything
Maybe partially because I'm devaluing myself and everything else
eeeehh
Maybe because I'm alone
I always used to argue with people about all kinds of issues that i didnt really care about
Because attacking someones beliefs or agreeing with them is an easy way to get people to talk to you, I guess.
Anyway, I'm worthless. We're worthless. I should do something thats not worthless but i cant
Sometimes I feel a moderate amount of physical pain, or I think about the future, and I'm reminded how much worse it will get.
Which makes wasting time now feel so much worse
May, may 11
I keep getting to the point where I dont want to do anything.
And i dont want to see or hear anything, feeling nothing.
Feeling wrong.
People are so retarded, and theyre awful.
No offense.
Theres too much about the world that bothers me.
Time is running out and i cant do anything. My mind is restless but my body is immobile
tzdzktkzhfkzhutdkzirtsjirttjrjtgrfxskzystjy
I do have a few happy moments that i consider worthless,
because I'm not *doing* anything with them.
I'm not turning them into wonderful music or art, i cant express them in a meaningful way, i dont gain anything from them, they feel incomplete and wrong in the end.
-.-
look at him. He's tired..
[society, april 28]
People are generally in an abusive relationship with society.
We are being abused from a young age not only by our parents and teachers, but by most people.
hehehe...
Common in abusive relationships is, of course, that the participants believe that no abuse is occuring.
One of the main reasons why I can't relate to most people, I guess. You just let them beat you into your current way of life.
why are you having so much hate and fear man thats the reason youre depressed because you hate
do it like me i dont have hate i have love
man people dont like it if you hate you gotta have love just ignore all this this is why people dont like you cause you hate
[c, april 28]
:(
....
I'm not sure
I don't really want to talk about anything
meh, I never liked writing much
I want to eat a mango but man, mangos are unpredictable sometimes
Theyre too hard, or theyre rotten on the inside without being able to tell
I wanted to do something meaningful or significant, but I don't know what that even is.
Something that gives me a vaguely defined sense of accomplishment or happiness
Often I seek validation from others without realizing it, to make them make me feel like I'm doing alright
Like what I'm doing right now, maybe
Anyway
I hope I'm not too confusing, its just hard to adequetly express myself if this is "organized"
I decided to have an orange instead
Do you know who I am now?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tell me then
[death]
In the past year, there have been many times where I thought I was going to die soon,
either because of anxiety of because of suicidal ideations
You know, I'm afraid what's keeping me alive is not the things I have, but the things I don't have.
I always feel like I'm not enough, replaceable, worthless.
"I can't die yet, I haven't done "x"! I havent made enough memories, etc."
Because honstly, there isn't a lot in life I enjoy anymore
I could talk about this a lot, but really I don't want to right now
One way to summarize, that I often fear I lack that "something" other people have.
Something that makes them interesting, that gives them originality.
I know I lack something and I'm doing something wrong but I cannot change
[wrong]
speaking of wrong, do you feel like you constantly make mistakes all the time?
Well, right now I'm a little more confident.
Here's a great song, Opening 1 of the anime ruroini kenshin:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4JUZhF9Kx8
You know what really matters to me?
A few songs, games, animations. Mostly things from my past that I keep replaying over and over, as well as some other things, lying in my room
I don't care about real life, I don't care about people
I can only tolerate communicating with a few like minded internet individuals in an indirect way like this
And you know, I sometimes come across a website or a comment or post that I connect with, and that means alot to me,
I guess thats one of the reasons why doing this
[Hello]
...
I don't have a lot to say, I guess.
I don't ever talk to anyone
eeeeeehehhehhhhh
FUCK
Well, I'll just tell you whats going on.
I'm working on a game and on music. Theres a lot to say about that.
yeas.
I don't think I want to post it until it's "finished" though
By the way. I need to remember something,
this website is not supposed to have a consistent theme. That way I cant get stuck on something wrong